Time and Presence

On Wednesday I spent an hour participating in a Fishful Thinking webinar.

For those of you who are not familiar, Fishful Thinking is a website created by Pepperidge Farm, the makers of Goldfish.

You know Goldfish, the snack that smiles back? Of course you do!

Well, they created a website for Parenting Possibilities and I am on the Fishful Thinking faculty.

OK now that we got THAT all out of the way...

The topic of the webinar was Time and Presence and the main speaker was Dr. Karen Reivich, an expert in the field of positive psychology.

Key point: Among the factors that promote resilience in children, connectedness is central. The knowledge that one is understood, valued, and “on the radar” of a caring, adult is essential for healthy child development. Giving our time to our children, therefore, is a critical resilient building parenting practice: “Being with” needs to be valued as much as “doing with”.

One of the greatest barriers to a child’s sense of “togetherness” is their ability to know where Mom or Dad really is in any moment. Thus, one critical goal for parents is to enhance our ability to be present in the moment.

Most parents find it challenging to create space for simple experiences of togetherness. Real-world distractions, internal chatter, “to do” lists – undercut our ability to be with our children without an internal (and perhaps external) sense of fidgeting.

The more we work on our ability to be with our children, the greater the connection you and your children will experience.

Discussion Questions: (my answers are italicized)

1. What words come to mind when you think about time and your family?

laughter, togetherness, conversation, joy

2. How do you think about the time you share with your children? What do you value about time? What are your goals in relationship to your time together?

The thing I most value about the time we share with J is the level of open communication we share. That she trusts us enough to say whatever is on her mind and that she actually values our opinions and thoughts enough to ask for them. I also think that J appreciates that we ask for her thoughts and opinions. I don't think she gets that enough outside of our little family. I think this is all within our goals of our time together. We want to make sure the lines of communication are always open. This is something we have been working towards when we started our family and something we want all of our kids (present and future) to feel a sense of belonging and that they matter and that we ARE present and listening.

3. What are the real world hindrances to reaching your goals around time together?

The main hindrance is not having J home full time anymore. The fact that she is a teenager and would rather spend her time with her friends and that we have less and less of a daily presence in her life. Whereas before it was family dinner every night followed by games.

4. How can you use knowledge of your strengths and your children’s strengths to help navigate these roadblocks?

I think for US encouraging J to come up with ways we can connect as a family and giving her the power to decide what the activity is going to be holds her more accountable to "showing up". I also feel it empowers her to make good and healthy choices in her life and time with family is a good and healthy choice.

I think for me, the area in my life that i do the most "sefl checking" is my parenting.

I am always worried and wondering if I doing enough and if my kid knows I love her, if I am setting her up for successes in her life etc.

I personally think making yourself fully present in your child's life takes a little practice.

When they walk into the room to ask me a question, do I give them eye contact?

What does the expression on my face tell them?

Does she walk away feeling valued and HEARD?

All little things that I am going to pay closer attention to. I was listening to a podcast not that long ago on "Little Ways We Show Love" or something to that affect.

The thing I took away was something soooo simple.

It was all about the face your children see.

You know, we all get stressed, angry and frustrated with life...stuff our kids have nothing to do with.

I want to encourage everyone to do one small thing with their kids, just to be a little more present.

When they walk into the room, or are walking towards the car after school or whatever...

Think about your face.

Make sure the expression they see is one of LOVE.

Simple right?